DGray Man Court
by envysfangirl
Summary: Join a court consisting of Neah, Allen and me as we fix all the wrong in the DGM universe! Situations are violent, sexy, and all around crackish for your entertainment, but we get the job done!
1. Chapter 1

**The following program contains inappropriate language, violence and gore, sexuality, slight 14th x Allen, and other content that may offend the readers. You have been warned.**Good afternoon and welcome to the Man court. I'm Kasper and I'll be running this show, along with my lovely co-hosts..."

This story will get better so, please bear with me.

Disclaimer: Katsura Hoshino owns Man and all of its beautiful characters. I only own myself and this fanfiction. Yay for loopholes!

* * *

**Kasper: **Hello everyone, and welcome to the Man court! I'm your host Kasper, and these are my two co-hosts-

**Neah Walker aka fourteenth noah:** MEEEEEE! I also am very sexy with my Tyki brand of sexiness.

**Allen: **And me...

**Kasper: **Good job, Allen. Now to explain this little fic, you will review and tell me unusual or weird behaviors of DGM characters, lies they have said, or for example _someone _that is a certain brother of a god, is extremely handsy, is currently holding the poor scientist Johnny hostage with his physical rape powers, jizzes himself way too much over little girls, and he's the minister of Portugal who needs to lay off-

**Allen: **You need to take a deep breath and calm down.

**Neah: **Lol, she totally has Sheryl down to a science.

**Allen: ***clears his throat, thinking of a way not to sound _too _much like a noah lover*  
As the leader said, people will be called out for their 'charges' and then the jury will deliver a sentence that is usually either a) ironic or b) hilarious.

**Neah: **We'll try and aim for both to please the fans...

**Kasper: **In Sheryl's case, he'll be swimming in pain! COME ON FANS, HE DESERVES REVENGE BY EVEN BEING NEAR THE GOD THAT IS TYKI!

**Allen: **Will you please just sit down and calm yourself. I'm a little concerned.

**Neah: **Ohhh, I can already see the fun times I'm about to have.

**Kasper: **Before we begin, I want to explain the reason for doing this. I have read other fics like this one, but mine is different because this is a court. I have seen the silly stuff and I have realized my dream to write it-

**Neah:***pushes Kasper away*  
No one wants to hear you speak. Reviewers, just send all of your accusations and confusion and anger and various other emotions to us that you've bottled up and justice shall prevail!  
**_  
Allen thought:_**_ What is a noah's idea of justice?  
__  
_**_Kasper thought: _**_I don't know but it should be good._

**_Allen thought: _**_How did you get into my mind!_

**_Kasper thought: _**_I have a key, duhh...this is why you keep thinking Neah is Tyki while you are chained to a rape throne._

**_Allen thought: _**_That was you...?_

**_Kasper thought: _**_Yes, I am a very big fan of poker pair._

BACK TO THE REAL WORLD AND NOT ALLEN'S F**KED UP MIND~

**Allen: **Now for a taste of some entertainment-

**Neah: **I shall strip and show you how Tykilike I really am~

**Allen: **What? No! It's accusation time!

**Neah: **You're such a downer, nephew.

**Allen: **Neah Walker, approach the stand.

**Neah: **But I'm here...?

**Allen: **It's procedure, just do it.

**Allen: **You are hereby accused of-

**Kasper: **- being beautiful and shadowy!

**Neah: **Yayz! :D

**Allen: **Please stop interrupting me. I was going to accuse him of-

**Kasper: **- not being pretty and shadowy enough?

**Neah: **If I was any prettier the rating would go up just because I'm here.

**Allen: **Stop it!

**Neah: **No wait! If I was any prettier, I'd need my family's help to keep the exorcists _away _from me!

**Allen: **Ugh No!

**Kasper: **If you were any prettier, Cross would be your bitch!

**Allen: ***cringes*

**Neah: **Oh! I love that one!

**Kasper: **I'm sorry, what were you saying Allen?

**Allen:** I forgot...

**Neah: **Are you thinking inappropriate things, my dear nephew?

**Allen: **No! That's disgusting!

**Kasper: **If you forgot what you were going to say, then I'm gunna take this chance to accuse Neah of being a rapist.

**Allen: **What?

**Neah: **I am not!

**Kasper: ***hits Neah with a fly swatter* Did I mention that the judge aka me will have new weapons every chapter? I need _something _to keep my defendants in check.

**Allen: **Can I have that for a minute?

**Kasper: **Sure *hands over the fly swatter* And you are! Your in a child's mind for God's sakes! And tying him to chairs! Your the ultimate mindrapist! Even more so than Wisely!

**Neah: **But I like being his mind! His body's so cute- AGGHHGHGH! *got slapped with the fly swatter*

**Allen: ***stares at the fly swatter* This thing is a good thing...

**Kasper: **And can be used for all kings of mind in the gutter activities!

**Allen: **You were right Uncle Neah; this _is _going to be great. Too bad I can't activate my innocence so I can kill you.

**Neah: ***generally freaked out* Stop! A-Allen!

**Kasper:** And that's all the time we have for today (keep in mind that this is only a pilot and that the more reviews we get, the longer the second chapter will be). To send a character from DGM to court, simply leave a review with your name and the name of the accused! Suggestions for possible punishments are okay too.

**Allen: **Oh yeah, we haven't sentenced him yet.

**Neah:** *pokes his face* I thought that _was_ my punishment!

**Kasper: **Not so, my poor noah. For causing me to get the 'Narwhal song' stuck in my head for whatever reason every time I see you, or your shadow, I sentence you to clean up my courtroom while you sing it!  
**  
Neah: **Hell no! I don't _clean_. That's an akuma maid's job!  
**  
Allen:** *slaps Neah with the fly swatter*  
**  
Neah:** AGHHHHH—FINE—ARGGHHGHHG —I'LL DO IT! But I'm doing it shirtless! *begins stripping*

**Allen: **I'm out of here.

**Kasper: **Like hell you are! *grabs Allen* I know you wanna watch this.

**Allen: **I don't! Why is it that every fic I'm in—  
**  
Kasper:** ENDING SEQUENCE! Neah, SING!

**Neah: **Narwhals, Narwhals, swimming in the ocean...

**Kasper: **LOUDER, GODDAMNIT!

**Neah: ***crying* Causing a commotion, cause they are so awesome...  
**  
Allen: ***has a WTF face and then leaves*

**Kasper:** That's all peeps! Tune in next time and please, for the love of god or any other religious deity LEAVE A REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

****

**Warning! The following program contains vulgar language, the authoress spazzing, misuse of Lero, violation of potato launchers, sexuality, rage, debt, gay love, Tamaki emo corners and so many other offensive things. Do not continue reading if you have a problem with any of the above.**

Disclaimer: All DGM characters belong to Hoshino. Potato launchers belong to spud farmers.

**Kasper: **OH MY GAWD! You guys, we got five fuckin' reviews! THAT'S MORE THAN I HAVE EVER GOTTEN IN MY LIFE! I do have other stories, but don't read the, I will gauge my eyes out with a spork, I will read the damn traffic report.

**Readers: ***curses*

**Kasper: **This will be a good story, I can feel it in my nuggets...

**Allen: **You have nuggets?

**Kasper: **Since the magical world of McDonald's, Allen.

**Neah: **I would like to see eyes gauged out by a spork...

**Kasper: **Not today! *pulls out potato launcher and fires it at Neah*

**Neah: **AGHH! Motherfackin' spud, we meet again!

**Kasper: **Anyways, thank you to my reviewers! You made my 7:00 AM wakeup a beautiful thing! Now to the charges!

**Allen: ***pulls out the 4 charges* OOH, these could be fun... *insert black allen smirk here*

**Kasper: **BRING IN ROAD, MOTHERFUCKIN LEVERRIER, KANDA , AND THE EARL!

*Teletubbies bring in the three while that Hitler wannabe is dragged by the tips of his mustache*

**Neah & Allen: **You control fucking teletubbies!

**Kasper: **Yes, they are my slaves...Which reminds me, Dipsy, Tinky-Winky, Lala, and Po, you are on break!

**Teletubbies: **Yes, masssster! *they go into the abyss and disappear to go eat children or whatever teletubbies do*

**Neah: **O-o-o...kay, hey you mind if the Noahs borrow them sometime?

**Kasper: ***turns to glare at Neah* NEVER!

**Kanda: **WHY THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN HERE!

**Kasper: **Easy my little lotus-lover, you all are being charged with something and you shall be punished... *pulls out potato launcher* severely!

**Neah & Akken: **But we aren't *they stood up and started fist pumping like the champs they are*

**Road: **Oh, Alleeen, you look so good flexing~

**Kasper: **See! Road, approach the stand!

**Road: **What did I do?

**Kasper: **Jax2468 says, "Anyways, I bring Road to the court for being crazy and wanting to kill Allen one moment to being into incest another." It's true, poor Allen is so confused...

**Allen: **HEY!

**Kasper: **So now for the punishment, hmmm... you like sweet things, yes?

**Road: **Oh, I love candy! *giggles

**Kasper: **Stop that. Your sentence is to only eat salt candy for the rest of the day, and also to go to a psychoanalysis clinic.

**Road: ***starts eating salt candy and then turns to dust* AGHH – nfjnjggjfjksnhjghkhkrjde

**Neah: **We noahs don't like salt, we're like snails actually.

**Kasper: **TELETUBBIES!~

*Dipsy comes in and sweeps Road dust out the door*

**Dipsy: **She'll regenerrrraaate~

**Kasper: **On to the next!~ I am so sorry, Jax2468, I love Road so I didn't know what to do...

**Allen: **Why didn't you let me...?

**Kasper: **Shut up, Allen. We know you're bitter about the kiss thing.

**Allen: **…...I was saving it for Lenalee...

*somewhere in the world, Komui knew he would castrate Allen one day, he just didn't know when...*

**Kasper: ***turns to Leverrier* You, ASSHAT,GET UP HERE!

**Leverier:***gets to the stand* Why am I here, child? And please refrain from using such vulgar language in my presence. I am the head inspector you know.

**Kasper: **See you are a DICKWAD! Allen, read the fucking charges!

**Allen: **Jax2468 says "Also Leverrier for being an ass towards discrimination towards noahs."

**Neah & The Earl: **YOU MEANIE!

**Allen: **May I sentence him, Kasper?

**Kasper: **Yes, because you are evil towards people you don't like and you remind me of a small puppy. *she started gulping down a cherry slurpie*

**Allen: **Okay, Leverrier, I sentence you to get shot in the face 14 times, one for each Noah, stab out your innards and make them into soba and then eat them.

**Kasper: **Why soba?

**Allen: **Just to nark Bakanda off...

**Kanda: **Moyashi...****

Allen: My name is Allen, Bitch!

**Neah: **Yeah, you motherfackin' bitch!

**Allen: **Neah, back the hell off. You don't even curse right.

**Neah: **I HAVE FAILED YOU, MY BEAUTIFUL NEPHEW! *sits in a Tamaki emo corner and begins to start his own mushroom farm. Yes, Neshrooms, sounds like a good home brand name for mushrooms...*

**Kasper: **I'm shooting him in the face now... *shoots*

**Leverrier: **AGHHHHH OMG ZOMG 

**Neah: **His reactions are beautiful...*sniffs a tear*

**Allen:** I'm stabbing out his innards!*stabs*

**Leverrier: **AYAYAYAYAYAYYAYA, ughhdhfhghdwjrttg *faints*

**Allen: **Ooh, look their stringy...

**Neah: **They grow up to maim people so fast *sniffs*

**Kasper: **I know...*eats popcorn with her slurpie*

**Neah:** Can I wake him up?

**Kasper: **PLEASE WAKE THAT SUPERTURD UP!

**Neah: **YAYZ XD! *launches a potato at Leverier's balls*

**Leverrier: **KELLY CLARKSON!

**Neah: **You are not allowed to say her name, now eat your intestine soba!

**Leverrier: **...okay...*eats* Oh Gawd *pukes and faints again*

**Kasper: **See, even he leaves a bad taste in his own mouth. I hope that was satisfactory Jax to make up for the first sentence. Kanda it is your turn.

**Kanda: **Okay, what fangirl charged me with what? I need name and address for later. I will find them.

**Kasper: **Read the charges, Neah!

**Neah: **Okey-Dokey! you didn't see me says, "I accuse Kanda for choosing a past lover for Allen, his sentence should be having you know what with Allen, go Yullen! (don't deny Allen, I know you love Kanda)"Nephew, is this true?

**Allen: **NO IT IS NOT! *blushes* Why? Oh why?

**Kasper: **I approve these punishments

**Allen: **Please Kasper! I'm begging you!

**Kasper: **Now! LALA!~~~~

**Lala: ***Lala comes in* Yes, your gracccccceeeee?

**Kasper: **Are you a fan of Yullen?

**Lala: **Yessssss, I am my massster! *pulls out a camera*

**Kasper: **Take them to the conveniently appearing closet...*shoos them with her hand*

**Kanda: **What conveniently appearing closet? *closet conveniently appears* Oh, that one-

**Lala: ***Lala pushes them in, lockes it* Masssteer says you must stay in their for 7 minutes!

**Allen: **LET US OUT!

**Kanda: ***breaks the closet* No. *leaves*

**Kasper: **Well, if we get more requests and drugs it could happen? *shrugs*

**Allen: ***stumble out of closet with a torn shirt*

**Kasper: **Ahhhh, so he's S&M

**Neah: **NEPHEW! WERE YOU RAPED! DID HE TOUCH YOUR VIRTUE?

**Allen: **NO NEAH! WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ME OUT?

**Neah: **...because Kasper gave me french fries if I wouldn't?

**Kasper: **I did say that

**Allen: **urgghghghghh

**Kasper:** On to the Earl!~

**Earl: **Goody~ 3

**Kasper: **Earl, you have been charged with this! Zirkus says, "I accuse Earl Millenium of pedophilia towards Allen Walker, Murder of Nea Walker, Necrophilia for wanting Nea while Nea is in Allen's body, Sexual harassment of Tyki Mikk, encouraging the incestuous and perverted ways of Sheryl Kamelot, Destroying the mind and body of Tokusa (GodDAMMIT Earl! Sheryl LOVED him!) and obsructing the Law of Sexy Men by keeping his human form encased in that fat monster form.I sue for five hundred thousand dollars, and a juicy yaoi scene between the human Earl, Nea, and Allen, along with the penalty of being beaten during court with Lero." Damn ,Earl, those are some heavy charges. How do you plead?

**Allen: **Why did no one else get to plead?

**Kasper:** Because I forgot that part

**Earl: **Guilty~3

**Kasper: **Of course you are. Alright, you have 10 days to pay the money. And to the closet with the 3 of you~~~~~

**Po: ***Po teleports and pushes them in* Get picturesssss Misssssstressssss!

**Kasper: **Will do, Po! Will do!

10 MINUTES LATER!~~~~~~~~~~

**Neah: **ZOMG, EARL!

**Allen: **YOUR REALLY HOTTTT

**Neah: **AND HUGE!

**Earl: **You are no Moyashi, Allen Walker~3

**Allen: **S-Shut up! *blushes*

**Kasper: **I'm surprised you too are okay with this...

**Neah: **Allen is family.

**Kasper: **So you support incest?

**Neah: **It's a choice.

**Kasper: **Well, good-bye Earl.

**Earl: **Au Revoir!~ 3

**Allen:** *Allen looks devastated*

**Kasper: **What's up Shawty?

**Allen: **That man left his debt in my name?

**Kasper: **Oh damn...Well, that's all the time we have, plus I have a life!

**Black Allen: **Review or I will sne my debt to you!

**Neah: **Oh, nephew...

********


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: The following chapter contains male parts, sexuality, uke thoughts, bees, bats, restraining orders, and sarcasm from Kasper

* * *

**

Kasper:

Hey, so I'm back! I've decided to make Friday the update day, so now everyone will have something to look forward to at the end of the week! Oh and btw, you can accuse minor characters as well, even if they only show up like once. AND I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU MY REVIEWERS! 6 FLIPPYDEEDOODA REVIEWS! THAT'S ONE MORE THAN LAST TIME!

**Neah: **Did your mother by any chance drink while you were in her womb?

**Kasper: **Well yeah, she drank water and stuff... she couldn't just be forever thirsty.

**Neah: **Nevermind...*shakes his head*

**Kasper: **Don't accuse me! *pulls out a baseball bat and smacks Allen in the face*

**Allen: **Why are you smacking me? I didn't say that! Neah did!

**Kasper: **Cause you are harboring a Noah fugitive in your brain. Don't be mean, but you need to take some of the blame. Hey, I MOTHERFUCKING RHYMED! Now I know how Eminem does this shit.

**Neah: **Anyways, we have 9 charges, we should probably get started...

**Allen:** Yeah, Kasper, aren't you supposed to be writing your AP World History Mid-Term essays today?

**Neah: **Cause we know you've put them off for 3 weeks, and they are due Sunday.

**Kasper: **SHUT UP! *bats the shit out of the Walker boys* You know I hate doing my work... Anyways, let's start with the person charged the most. Okay, so the person that was accused of the most was the sex god himself, Tyki Mikk.

**Allen: ***Shudders*

**Neah: **…...you like it...and hey, didn't you think he was me?

**Alen: ***shudders even more*

**Kasper: **TINKY-WINKY, BRING ME TYKI!

**Tinky-Winky: **Yesssssss, masssssster! *teleports and brings Tyki back*

**Tyki: **WTF! What is this thing?

**Kasper: **Only the beginning of your downfall, lovely.

**Tyki: **HEY, HEY, HEY! That's what I call Lavi. Only I can use it!

**Kasper: **WRONG! Tyki, this is my court. This is where I make or break people. You can either suck it up and deal with it or I will make your life hell. *pulls out the bat threateningly*

**Allen: **It's true Tyki, she has total control...

**Tyki: **Okay, if this is a court, why am I here? Ididn't do anything wrong.

**Neah: **So, murdering many people does not constitute as wrong?

**Tyki: **HOLY SHIT! Why do you look like me?

**Allen: **That's what I said.

**Neah: **Nephew, shut up. Your ukeness does not belong in a seme battle.

**Allen: **n.n

**Kasper: **This is why your being charged and also your obligated to be part of other people's punishments. I shall read your charges. Jax2468 says, "Anyways, I call Tyki to the stand for probably raping Allen when he 'killed' him." Did you rape him?

**Tyki:**…...No.

**Kasper: **Then why do I look back and see Allen arching his back in a sexual way off the forest floor?

**Allen:**HE DID NOT! *looks back in the manga, trying to find the page*

**Neah: ***pulls out the bat* You, are gunna die...

**Kasper: **We won't judge Tyki. I am a fan of Poker Pair. We all know you Noahs are kind of on that side of the fence anyways. Admit it and your punishment won't be that bad.

**Neah: **You are a bitch. He stole my nephew's purity and your gunna let him get away?

**Kasper: **Maybe...What is your answer Tyki?

**Tyki: **Yes, I did.

**Kasper: **I KNEW IT! Okay, your punishment is to pull down your pants.

**Tyki: **Excuse me?

**Kasper: **That's the first part. The second part is to put honey on your male anatomy.

**Tyki: **Why?

**Kasper: **Because I'm having a bad day.

**Allen: **I love your bad days.

**Neah: **I concur *sips tea

**Tyki:** And then what?

**Kasper: **I have fed Innocence to a pack of bees. They will sit on your anatomy and you can't phase through them. If you move, they sting a very delicate place so I suggest you don't because I have need of your parts later.

**Neah: **OMG! Marry me, we will be the best sadist couple ever!

**Kasper: **No, Neah. This is revenge for trying to kill the main character so early in the series. And plus, I have the feeling Tyki-pon's a masochist.

**Tyki: ***drops his drawers, Tinky-Winky puts honey on his c**k* Gawd, this is cold-drhgjdkdfhyktekf. They are moving.

**Kasper: **Too bad, so sad. Sit for 10 minutes. We'll come back for your other charges later

**Tyki: ***shudders* OWWW, FUCK ONE JUST STUNG ME!

**Kasper:**To the next charge! BRING ME THE EARL!

**Dipsy: **Yesssss, I shall bring you the fat onnnnnneeeeee...

**Earl: **Oh, I'm back here again...Happy times...Tyki, where are your pants? 3

**Tyki**: That red haired girl stole them...and put bees in _places..._

**Earl: **What do you mean places? -OHHHHHHHHHH! 3

**Kasper: **He's lying. He gave them up Earl. Oh and you've been charged again. Zirkus says, "I, Zirkus, re-accuse the Millennium Earl of child labor and neglect of Allen Walker, by transferring his debt to Mr. Walker and statutory rape by sleeping with a fifteen-year-old, a year younger than the legal age of consent. I sue for an extra eighty thousand dollars and for the human Earl to kiss Neah with the passion of a thousand suns." How do you plead?

**Earl: **Guilty!3

**Kasper: **Okay...where's the money?

**Earl: ***turned into a chicken and laid an egg worth 80,000 dollars then shifts to human form* Is that okay?

**Kasper: **Definately, Hey Allen, we're gettin a flat screen! *walks away*

**Earl: **Come here, you! *pulls Neah close to him and kisses him with the passion of a thousand suns. Neah felt extremely hot by the sudden passion and love he felt coming from the lips of the Earl. It was wrong, because this man killed him, didn't he? Why would he feel like this if he hated him? The Earl even said they were best friends. Was their bond stronger than that? Maybe-*

**Tyki: **Oi, get a room!

**Earl: **Don't mind him. He's just mad that he has bees on his d*ck. Wanna get out og her?

**Neah: **Kasper, I'm taking a lunch break!

**Kasper: **Okey dokey!

**Allen: **There is someone for everyone!

**Tyki: **Ewwwwwwww

**Allen: **Next charge: It's for Anita? Isn't she dead?

**Kasper: **She is, but I'll bring her back to life! *lights surrounded the stand*

**Anita: **ehhhh, what am I doin here? Mahoja was just doing my hair!

**Kasper: **Anita, I am your father! And you are charged with _many_ things.

**Anita: **One, your not my dad and 2, how many?

**Kasper: **I lied! Just one! Lucky Lemonade says, "I accuse Anita (yes, that lady who only lived for around 3 chapters) of being bipolar since in a flashback she told Cross that she hated him but in the present she's totally in love with him!"

**Anita: **I was young! We had a fight!

**Kasper**: Because of that mistake, you are now under a restraining order from Cross and his ghost. Think of it as me saving you. Now bye-bye!

**Anita**: Wait-erhgkewsghktkerknhjhkfr *light beams her up to outer space*

**Allen**: She dead again?

**Kasper**: Shes dead again.

**Tyki: **Since, I'm just sitting here, can I do the next one?

**Kasper: **Yes, because I really don't...

**Tyki: **Okay, we need the samurai for this one.

**Kasper: **LALA! I NEED KANDA!

**Lala: **Yessssssss, my lord! *drags Kanda into the room*

**Kanda: **Get away, yellow thing!

**Kasper: **Kanda, don't be rascist to yellow people! *bats him on the head* Now let's do this rationally. You've been charged be Lucky Lemonade who says, "I accuse Kanda Yuu of eloping with Alma Karma! Seriously, WTF, dude?"

**Kanda**: You cannot elope with a male-

**Tyki: **Yes you can! OWWW, YOU FUCKING BEES I'LL KILL YOU!

**Kasper: **Be quiet, Tyki. We know you have experience. Okay, so you have to play the pocky game with Allen as your punishment. 

* * *

TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT. SOMETIME THIS WEEKEND ACTUALLY. SORRY IF THIS IS A BAD CHAPTER, I REALLY DON'T FEEL GOOD AND IM IN A BAD MOOD, I PROMISE THE REST OF THE REVIEWS WILL BE CARRIED OUT THE NEXT CHAPTER. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning: **use of the Mcrib, problems, tazers, torture, hickeys, The Earl being a sexual deviant and Mana hate

* * *

**Kasper: **OMG, GUYS! I AM SO SORRY, FOR NOT UPDATING BUT A LOT HAS HAS HAPPENED...between being lazy to studying for midterms and then going trick or treating and almost fainting in the street, I've been sick as a dawg... but for you my readers I shall persevere.

**Allen: **HUZZAH!

**Tyki: **…...yeah and I'm still here...and Neah and the Earl are back...with hickeys

**Neah: **Oh what big teeth you have earl~

**Earl: **Thank you~ 3

**Kasper: **Now to the pocky game

* * *

**My chance at trying to write real-like~**

As Kasper said this, she daintily put a stick of pocky in between the two exorcists and drew back quickly, afraid she would get bitten by the Kanda beast. Kanda-beast and Allen quickly attached their mouths to seperate ends of the stick, each with a challenge in their eyes and not willing to back down. Allen, hesitantly glancing down, took the first bite, chewed, swallowed and almost died, it was dango flavored~

The moyashi's face was so cute...wait since when did I think he was CUTE! Him and his stupid dango, my god why must he make those faces? I swear if he keeps making those faces my _problem _will be more apparent-

**Tyki: **Oi, I still have bees on me. Let's wrap this up.

**Neah: **Oh, you~

**Kasper: **TYKI, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS RUIN THE MOMENT! *ATTACKS WITH A MCRIB*

**Neah: **HAHAHAHA THEY ARE BACK FOR 6 GLORIOUS WEEKS

**Kasper: **OH YEAH, NEAH MICKEY D'S FOR SHUREEE.

**Tyki: **Mmmmmm, mcrib sauce. *jizzes himself over the GODLINESS that is the Mcrib*

**Kanda: **Ok, I'm leaving now. I'm gone.

**Kasper: **Why are you walking like that? Oh I know why, it's okay, I got Allen to make a jizzz face with you in the picture so your free to go *swings around a camera*

*Kanda ran out*

**Allen: **Wait...what just happened?

**Earl: **So innocent minded~ 3

**Neah: **Earl, I will beat you with a Tyki tainted Mcrib.

**Earl: **It probably has STD'S 3

**Allen: **I get STD'S just looking at you guys.

**Kasper: **Annnnnnnnnd, we're back to sarcasm. Okay, next charge. HMMMMM, anyone want to scar Allen?

*instantly every person's hand raised*

**Allen: **Whyyyyyy?

**Kasper: **We're charging your daddy Allenyyy!

**Allen: **MANA!

**Neah: **Yayz, older brother san!

**Earl: **Mana?

**Tyki: **Yo, that man's brother?

**Kasper: **Yes, and here's the charge. The Dumb Kid says, " i would hereby like to accuse Mana Walker of instilling inappropriate teachings into a young child by the name of Allen Walker. Not only did Mana Walker failed in his role as a foster father, he had failed to ensure that Allen was able to get any rest as an Exorcist (as if his left eye AKA Akuma radar wasn't enough) by his constant preaching of 'Keep walking' ever since Allen was a child. That in itself, is psychological abuse. I therefore demand that he be leashed and walked by the Earl around the globe and feels what it's like to 'keep on walking forward.'' It's true Allen, that's kinda like Kanda.

**Allen: **How is that anything like Kanda?

**Kasper: **They preached utilitarian church beliefs at him as he died. Ohh, and this is kinda sick Earl.*eats cookies and shrugged*

**Earl: **How so? 3

**Kasper: **First you raped Allen and Neah, are confusing Neah, and now you're gunna walk Mana around on a chokechain? What is with you and the Walker family?

**Earl: **I've been assaulting the Walker family for 7,000 years! 3

**Neah: **OMGEEEEE!

**Kasper: **Okay, glad it's not my family. Mana! *magical portal to heaven appears and out pops Mana*

**Mana: **What is going on?

**Neah: **BIG BROTHER! *tackle glomps*

**Mana:**...Neah? Aren't you dead?

**Neah: **No, I'm living in your son's brain! And I got churros in me!

**Mana: **Okay. Sup, Allen.

**Allen: **Sup, Mana.

**Mana: **How goes living?

**Allen: **Pretty fucked up. How goes being dead?

**Mana: **Cool. How's the curse?

**Allen: **Okay, hurts like a bitch.

**Mana: **It was meant to.

**Earl: **NUUFFFF SAID! *slams a chokechain on Mana's neck* I have a pet, time to walk you around the world~ 3

**Mana: **Whatever for?

**Kasper: **For being a freak and cursing Allen and throwing your weird philosophies at him that probably screwed him over.

**Mana: **That was for his benefit!

**Kasper: **BE GONE! *transports them to Barcelona* I say, THEY START IN SPAIN! Thank you, Dumb Kid, the more reviews I get the more it feeds Timcanpy's monstrous size and feeds his LAZARZ! So send me reviews.

**Allen: **Father...*sniffs*

**Kasper: **Next review! Neah, it's your turn! REVENGE says, "I accuse Neah for taking Allen's body THEN develop a nephew complex on him and for hiding his identity throughout the manga."

**Neah: **Okay, he was my ticket here, I love him, and hiding my identity was necessary.

**Kasper: **You shall be tortured! You shall have your fingers broken so you can't play your piano in Allen's brain no more. BWAHAHAHAHA!

**Neah: **MY FINGAZZZZZZZZ!

**Kasper: ***brutally smashes Neah's fingers with a Mcrib leaving Mcrib sauce oozing in his wounds* There! I still love you. And I want you to know, I always will.

**Neah: **It's okay...I'll be good in 10 minutes...*sits dejectively by Allen, trying to get him to lick his wounds free of Mcrib sauce*

**Kasper: **NOW, THE NEXT ONE SHALL BE LAVI! LALA, I WANT LAVI!

**Lala: **YES, MISSSSSTTTTRESSSSSSSSS!

**Kasper: **WHATS WITH THE MISTRESS?

**Lala: **YOU ARE FEMALEZZZZZ

**Kasper:**...and I wasn't before? Just bring me Lavi!

*Lala ran and threw the rabbit unceremoniously in a pile of limbs at Kaspers feet*

**Kasper: **Hello~ I won't be that hard on you since you are the character I cosplay and all that jazz.

**Lavi: **What is this place? And who are you? Allen? and Tyki?

**Kasper: **Okay this is a court Lavi, and you've been charged with many things. Here's charge number one by Lucky Lemonade. "I accuse Lavi of totally abandoning Bookman-ness! Isn't he supposed to not let emotions get to him?" Now I ask you this Laiv, are you allowed to have children?

**Lavi: **Technically...no.

**Kasper: ***quickly pulls out a tazer and electrocutes him in the nuts* That hurt me more than it did you. You don't need your swimmers anyway.

**Lavi: **ehthytdjfghjtjfrrejgjtht-aghhh... hsssssssssssss...

**Kasper: **He'll be fine for later _endeavors_

* * *

Okay, no I still have money more to do. I promise this Friday there wll be a new one. If I missed your accusation, it will be there Friday. The people who's accusation's I missed are Unnoticed Observer's and Mikado's requests for Komui, aoiyumekou48's pleads for Laven closet porn (i got lavi in this one didn't I? BTW, hell be fine), REVENGE's request for Kanda porn, Zirkus' Cross x Tyki gender bender porn, Himikaz12's Laven/Poker pair threesome closet porn with a maid costume thrown in, Himikaz13's want of revenge against Tyki stelaing Neah's looks. If you want actual porn and steamy scenes, the rating WILL have to go up. And I'm not that confident in writing yet so please forgive if the scenes aren't that good. I'm getting better. So review and if you want, you can even help me write the dirty smut fest porn scene that your heart so desperatly wants. It's pretty cool to have a hand in making anime porn. Anyways, above is what's coming up next chapter. That;s kinda why I put them off so long. Yaoi is hard to write.


	5. Harry Potter, and Naked Travels to Hell

**Warning: Story may contain Harry Potter references, Tommy 20 guns, human trafficking, destruction of antiques, hints of twincest, Tyki being Tyki, Lavi randomly disappearing, I ndian arm burns, a human crown clown and all aroung craziness. Oh, and Heah and the authoress being freaks**

* * *

"I am disappointed that no one has answered my offer of whether or not to upgrade this fic to M, so until I get an answer, no more pairing charges!" screamed Kasper

"Oh, don't pay attention to her, she recently got her hair cut and she isn't happy about it, it's now to the bottom of her ears." stated Neah, with an eye roll and a wrist flick.

Kasper dropped to her Knees and proceeded to scream, "SUPERCUTS HAS FAILED ME! SUPERCUTS HAS FAILED ME!"

"It's okay, so like Kasper said, we'll just do the charges that don't include pairings. Okay, so this first one is by a new reviewer J'accuse that says, 'I accuse Miranda Lotto of being excessively paranoid, clumsy, and clingy to Allen Walker and Lenalee Lee, and I push for the sentence of having her clock destroyed in front of her.' Wow, that's a little harsh." said Allen.

"CLINGY ON MY ALLEN!" screamed Neah.

Po, the ultimate god of the Teletubbies, strolled in with a blunt in his mouth and carrying Miranda with one arm and rolling the big ass clock on the floor with his foot.

"Duuudeeee, I gotssssss me the German, and this mini Big Ben. Here ya go, Masssssstar.." Po said as he dropped Miranda and the clock on the stand.

"Aww, hell naw, Miranda, you are stupid, clingy, gross, cry all the time, and I am not having it on my nephew." snapped Neah.

"Damn, boi, you snap like a pro. Anyways, let's destroy the clock. It has so many flaws anyways." said Kasper.

"M-My clock...W-What are you do-doing with my clock...?" cried Miranda.

"Destroying it...and BOOM!" The clock was splintered into tiny little fragments of wood as Miranda cried incessantly, clutching the only two parts that weren't broken, the 2 clock hands.

And then a Magic Portal opened up and swallowed the alcoholic, hopefully she'll drink herself to death.  
"Okay, next charge, xKunoichixAngelx accuses Cross of stealing the Snitch. Oh, this should be good." Neah stated matter-o-factly.

"Bring me Cross!" screamed Kasper.

Tinkey-Winky returned from his Swedish vacation to cart innocent people off to their embarassment at the hands of a 16 year old girl and her 2 friends. He dropped Cross in an unceremonious heap on the floor and left to continue his vacation but this time, he decided to go to Norway, the capital of Satan worship. Yes, he could live with that.

"Cross, you have stolen the Snitch, so in honor of the new Harry Potter movie, you will remove your coat, put on a Gryffindor robe, don some glasses, pick up a wand, and scream EXPECTO PATRONUM!" Kasper said.

"No, I want to go back to the bar and pretty woman I was with." said Cross.

"Never. You will do it or I will tell everyone your deepest, darkest secrets." explained Kasper.

Cross grumbled a bunch of swear words, glared at Kasper for good measure, and picked up the red lion decorated robe, put the glasses behind his ears, and picked up the stick of wood that the little girl called a 'wand'.

"You better not be filming this, or I'll break your neck.". Shrugged Cross.

"I'm not" Said Kasper while she deviously turned on her camera behind her back.

Cross pointed the wand in the air and struck a super hero stance, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

"Oh. My. God. YES! I have BLACKMAIL! FINALLY!" Allen screamed while proceeding to do a little happy dance.

"WTF! Girl! I thought you said you weren't filming!" screamed Cross.

"I conceed. I was. And that's also the second part. This will be sold on eBay by Allen and he will get the money to pay off some of your debts. You can get a good couple of thousand for that Allen." Kasper stated.

"Stupid girl! Your head will be the new holder of Judgement!" He grabbed the side of his leg, as if he were going to pull out his gun. " Hey, where's my gun? What did you do with it?" Cross yelled.

"Po, take him away!" Kasper said.

Po burst into the room, king of the red teletubbies that he was, and grabbed Cross, hit him with his own mallet for revenge of Allen's brain cells, winked at Allen and dragged the ultimate seme's body from the room.

Allen shivered. The drugs probably were still affecting Po.

"Okay, next charge, Lucky Lemonade charges Crowned Clown with not working. It does too work!" exclaimed Allen.

"No it doesn't shounen. Give it a rest."

"Holy fuck doodles! When did you get here Tyki?" freaked Kasper.

"I've always been here. Ain't my fault you're unobservant." Tyki said while continuing to puff away at his stick of death.

Kasper walked over to Tyki and slammed that stick out of his fucken mouth and said, " Silly Tyki, smokes are for cool kids, not perverts."

"Fail, that was just a fail at life." said Neah.

"Shut your talented mouth up, Neah!" war cried Kasper as she pulled out a Tommy 20 gun and shot Neah multiple times on his forehead. By the time she was done, he had 7 suction darts on his forehead instead of stigmata.

"Okay, we're gunna need magic," Kasper pulled up her sleeves, " SHULALALALUSH!"

And poof, Crown Clown appeared in human form.

He was a short boy of about 9 or 10, with baby fat still present in his cheeks. He had white hair down to his shoulder blades, and piercing glowing green eyes that seemed to know everything. He wore a white and silver jester hat on his head, with silver bells on the end that jingled every time he moved. His shirt was a pure white crop top that had big strips of fabric protruding from his shoulders, probably meant to symbolize wings. His shorts were little white shorts and he had silver arm and foot gloves. His overall look just screamed cute, little boy. He looked exactly like Allen, minus the curse and eye color and what made him even cuter was the little fang protruding from one lip.

"Awwww! So kawaii!" Kasper jumped on him and proceeded to scream how cute he was.

"That's Crown Clown!" Allen and Tyki asked.

"Of cawse I am. I am Cwown Cwown, my Mastah Awwen's innocence." claimed C.C.

"So cute..." commented Lavi.

"Okay, seriously, anymore people wanna jump in my damn story?" complained Kasper, with a huff and a wrist flick.

"Okay, I was passed out on the damn floor cuz ya tazered my dick, so shut the fuck up, I'm mad at cha."

"Firecrotch, come back to me! I am your biggest fan!' I love you with your halfblindedness, smarticle particles, lame jokes, mischief, and all around tomfoolery! I cosplay you and your gravity defying hair, for Noah's sake." exclaimed Kasper.

"Yeah, for my sake lovely." said Tyki while still smoking the stick of death.

Wait, I thought I threw that out. And he's naked so where did he...?

I'm just cool like that, darling, thought Tyki. On the outside world, his face was wearing a smug smirk while Kasper was gawking at him. Kasper learned that day that Tyki was a true god on Earth and her love for him grew even more, even if she doesn't show it much.

"Okay, cutie-pie, you are second only to my Allen. But honey bunches, apparently you don't work so for every Noah you hurt, you get one Indian burn." stated Neah, in a parental way.

"But then I'll have ouchies. Awwen, don't you wove me?" cried C.C.

"I do have to say that you don't work. You never work when I need you to. I can't make a fist, you turned Tyki into a monster, you hurt me because of fucking Uncle Neah-"

"Hey!"

"-so learn to do your job right."

"O-Okay. I'll try my best Awwen. Can I have a hug?" asked C.C., with a small smile gracing his lips and puppy dog eyes that held the world's sadness.

Allen could feel his eyes tearing up so he reached down and wrapped his arms around the ancient child-like figure, fully embracing him in a hug, like a parent would do with a child.

"Okay, screw the love fest. That thing has hurt me, hurt Lulubell, choked the twins, and hurt Neah. I demand retribution." scolded Tyki.

"But Tyki, you destroyed him, he probably has a vendetta against you."

As Kasper said this, C.C. turned and stared Tyki in the eyes and stuck his tongue out at him.

At this time, Neah decided to get off his fat lazy ass and he quickly administered the Indian arm burns that C.C. so desperately feared. By the time he was done, C.C.'s arms were bright red and he was sobbing quietly to himself while cradling his arms.

"I did my best... I did my best" C.C. cried to himself.

"Now you go back from whence you came, SHUSHOLA!"

And with those words that fell from the crazy red headed fiendish girl's lips, C.C. was gone.

"Next charge, this is from, J'accuse charges Tyki Mikk and Road Camelot of crimes against Allen Walker and she pushes for a term of imprisonment in Inferno (Hell) for one week, courtesy of Dante's book. Beautiful book choice, J, may I call you J? And yes, they shall be carted off." declared Kasper.

"Can I put on some clothes?"

"No! Do you want to die? What's worse than being in hell, showing up naked that's what!" giggled Kasper.

She instantly transported Tyki to hell. What about Road you ask? Oh no worries, Kasper transported her too, while she was talking to that butt pig Sheryl. Leaving him to have a sis-con fit and scream about where his darling girl ran off too. The answer: She was in hell, gallivanting around with a naked Tyki. Every girl's dream. That lucky bitch.

"They will have a report for me , when they come back. I don't know why but Tyki and Road have adventures." calmly stated Kasper.

"You never told her why." said Allen.

"Yeah, I figured she'd ask why Tyki was naked and he'd fill her in from there." mentioned Kasper.

"Her poor eyes..." moaned Lavi.

Yeah, I made Lavi moan, what now?

"He's a god. And she's like 50 years old."

"Ewwwww, I kissed an old lady!" cried Allen.

"That's okay. Oh, where's Neah?" asked Kasper.

"Oh, he went to go find his lover, the Earl. He took the conveniently appearing closet when you weren't looking," Lavi responded.

"Fuck you Neah, they're mine to control!" roared Kasper while pointing her finger in the air in hopes Neah could see her and hear her.

* * *

"Achhhoooo! I sense a red haired girl is screaming at me from a distance... It's probably Kasper. Oh Earl, where are you?~~~~~~," sang Neah.

* * *

"We have one more charge left for today, so here it is. Music-rox12 charges Lenalee Lee because of her constant attempts to make Allen, Kanda, and Lavi fall for her D: go real ** on her cuz she doesn't deserve those guys. I agree music-rox12, she deserves to die an old cat lady with Komui forever dashing her attempts at love. While me and my Allen are forever together. Mwah!" cooed Neah.

"That bitch! She will die a most painful death. I want her here now!" screamed Kasper.

And poof, the gross crybaby that was Lenalee appeared.

"Okay, you whore, do you feel anything for the 3 out of 4 gods of eternal sexiness?" smugly asked Kasper.

"Who's the 4th?" asked Allen.

"Why the man that's running around hell this very minute, his amazing Portuguese self, Tyki."

"Figures."

"Uhm, Allen-kun, what's going on?" that confused bitch looked even more confused.

"OH NO, NUH UH LENASKANK, YOU DO NOT ADDRESS HIM AT ALL!" Neah then pulled out some thread an a needle and sewed her mouth up Jasdero style.

"My turn." Kasper then threw out her clothes, and got her a new outfit of a teeny little skirt that barely covered her crotch, a tight black leather top that had roses adorning over her nipples, her hair now had extensions in it that were curly, her mouth was still sewn but had a sheen of strawberry lip gloss, and she was wearing no underwear and a collar wrapped around her neck with chains adorning her ankles and wrists. Lenalee saw herself in the mirror and she screamed, but it came out as a choked sob.

"You were a bad girl, so you will be a birthday present to some morons." A portal opened up and swallowed that girl that was only really used a a fanservice character really.

* * *

Meanwhile~

A knock was heard at the front door and Debitto, sleepy as he was, opened it. He was not prepared for what he saw. What he saw was the heart girl, Lenawhatsits, practically almost naked in a tight leather outfit with her innocence activated but the chains all around her chained her feet to the ground. She stared at him with big, wide open and fearful eyes.

Debitto smirked and pulled her inside before any one on the outside had a chance to see. Finally, someone he and Jasdero could play bedroom games with. Truth be told, he needed to find someone for him and Jasdero to have fun with. His brother was starting to complain that he was sore after each 'game'. Hey, now he has a girl. You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

* * *

Back in the courtroom~

"That's it for this week. Now please, you want the pairings, yes? Then tell me if you want it to be M! Also tell me your opinions, requests, anything and I'll let you beat up Voldemort's snake, Nagini. And only I will be able to hear it's screams because I am a Parselmouth! Bwahahahahahahhahaha!" Kasper ran around screaming about snakes and hissing.

"I'll get the darts and the sleepy sleepy medicine." Neah walked off.

Allen just stood there dumbfounded.

Lavi ran off to the kitchen for some carrots.

* * *

If you're charge was not in here, it will either be in the next one or I'm waiting until I get the answer on pairings


	6. The Fifteenth Noah appears?

**Warning: the following contains abuse of Tyki, Neah torment and so many innuendos. Kasper does not own Dgray Man**

* * *

"Well, I have decided to keep the ban up for one more week. I need at least 10 requests for M or I will do your requests and punishments but they will be rated K and I really don't wanna do that cause I am a hardcore person." explained Kasper.

"HARDCORE!" screamed Neah.

"Well, Neah found the Earl and they screwed like rabbits from Rome to here, so Neah's all keyed up cause he got laid." said Allen.

"I did. I confess. Who likes Adam? I like Adam. Is it true? It's truuooooo!"

"Oh, my silly little Musician~3"

"...I wonder if he calls him that cause he's a screamer..."

Allen dimly nodded his head.

"Okay, I'm gonna have Lavi lead the show today, because let's be honest, he needs more love. I even have a list of reasons:

1. His hair defies gravity

2. He's stupid smart

3. He is missing an eye, that either screams coolness or gay pirate, I'm still not sure which for Lavi

4. His clashing orange scarf

5. An innocence that is the king of innuendos

5. His love of Allen

6. His cutesy little nicknames

7. He eats yakiniku, for men!

8. He has multiple personality disorder, which I have in real life

9. His pranks

10. He's such a rabbit

"Thank you, I am the king of awesome, Kasper. And I am bi, not gay. Okay let's start with my revenge on Tyki. Apparently, he stole some guy named Neah's looks?" Lavi asked, eyebrow raised.

"Wait, you don't know who the awesome little Neah is? Oh, that's right, you were passed out on the floor a lot, and I sent you on a carrot run. You haven't met him yet. NEAH! Neah? ...Neah?" Kasper glanced around and did not see the family killer. "Hey, where's Neah?"

"Oh, him and the Earl took Mana for sushi. He said something about Mana getting to know his lover." Allen rolled his eyes, and continued to wish his family wasn't so weird. Why did his dad, have to be a clown? I mean seriously, that is not a supporting job for your family. And now it turns out his uncle was gay. For the fucking Millennium Earl, no less. I mean, didn't he try to kill him? You don't run around cities and have sex all the time with someone you want to kill. I digress...

As Allen was thinking these very pressing thoughts, on the outside he was just grabbing his chin, sighing a lot, and staring off into space.

"What a freak."

"You haven't had to run a court with him. And hey, wait, Tyki is in hell with Road. Which reminds me, we should probably go get them. It's been a week." Kasper then snapped her fingers and the courtroom disappeared. It was replaced by a giant volcano with demons flying around it. Screams of pain and suffering littered the air. There was an even coating of blood on every surface.

"Well this is a sadist's fantasy."

"No kidding."

"Hmmmmmm."

Suddenly, a voice shouted through the screams. "I WANT CANDY!"

"Well, we've found Road." observed a very unhappy Allen.

We walked up the volcano and saw a black palace jutting out of the side of it. The doors quickly opened for us to see Road, dressed in red and wearing a ruby tiara. She didn't see us because she was to busy whipping her horned servant.

"You. Will. Give. Me. My. Candy." hissed Road.

"Roadie, it's time to go home. Bu before we do, mind telling me what's going on here?" asked Kasper.

"Oh, that's easy, Tyki and I took over hell. I am the empress and he is my general. But, Allen, you can always be my emperor." Road winked and suddenly another throne dropped next to hers.

"NO MORE RAPE THRONES!" screamed Allen, before running away and jumping into the volcano. And that was the end of our poor Allen.

Just kidding, I lied. We hauled his stupid ass out of there. We got Road and poofed her back. Then, we had to find Tyki. We finally found him making out with some demon whore. Lavi screamed something about him cheating, smacked him in the nuts, and picked him up and we teleported back to the courtroom. Thus ends the story of how Tyki and Road conquered hell in 7 days.

"Okay, so apparently Tyki stole Neah's looks, according to Himikaz13 or Himikaz12. So, Tyki what are we gonna do about that?" Lavi giggled, he would finally get revenge on that bastard because he almost took away his best friend.

"I have decided that he shall be beat with sticks. I have made sure to coat them in innocence, that I had left over from the bees. Lavi, get to it." decided Kasper, while she poofed up a churro machine and gave 10 to Allen and got one for herself. Best to give them up now before Allen turned into a giant beast and attacked the world because he didn't get any churros. Plus for later punishments it would be good to have him doused in sugar and cinnamon. And she heard the fangirls drool.

At this point of time, Neah and the Earl showed up again. Mana apparently got rehit with a carriage and died for the second time.

"FATHER!" screamed Allen.

"Okay, shut up Allen. He would've had to die again anyways."

Neah then stole Lavi's very special whack-a-tyki stick and asked Kasper if he and Lavi, together, could provide Tyki's punishment.

"Sure, but why do you want to hit Tyki?" asked Kasper.

"Because Earl likes it when I beat up other people. He likes a show before 'dinner' or so you childrens say."

The collective thought in the room was that the Earl was a sick, sick man.

"Who am I to get in the way of love? Proceed." declared Kasper. Maybe if the Earl gets riled up, they'll fuck in the courtroom and get me some more reviewers. And with that thought, Kasper took a bite of her churro and prepared to see Tyki get whipped.

"Owwwww- hey! Shit! Stop hitting me!" Tyki was starting to bleed with the ferocity of the beatings.

Neah and Lavi laughed continuously, for finally the bastard would get his just desserts for hurting their beautiful Allen.

"Wait, your Allen?" Lavi and Neah dropped their sticks and glared at each other with hate the likes of which no anime character has ever seen before.

They ran out of the room, trying to find weapons to outdo the other. And the one question on everyone's minds was a)when did they both get mind reading powers and b)wasn't Neah in love with the Earl?

Alas, that question was never answered.

Time skip~

"I wanna annoy the shit out of Wisely."

"Yes! This is what I've been waiting for, girl!" Tyki did a little happy dance, with LATIN flair. Cause ya know, he's Portuguese.

"WISELY!" screamed Kasper.

At this time, Lala ran in and slid on her knee and threw Wisely up onto the stand! She went into a superhero stance, then left.

"Let me guess, mindrapery is my charge and now you're going to do stuff that will hurt me."

"Argghghgh! LOVE 3 was right! I've been violated! Quickly, everyone think dirty thoughts! Let's overload his brain!"

All 4 Teletubbies, the Earl, Kasper, Road, Tyki, Mana in heaven, Allen, a zomiefied Leverier, Anita in heaven, Lenalee while she was being raped mercilessly, Neah, Lavi, Kanda meditating and Cross in a brothel all seemingly thought of some really dirty shit to just up and screw with Wisely the hobonoah's life.

"dxmnslpskdmskckendls. AAAAAAH! It burns! Po, that is so indecent!" Wisely pointed a finger at Po, the red teletubby, while blood was streaming out his nose and he had a very large boner in his none too subtle Noah hotpants.

He hobbled out the door to relieve some 'pressure'.

"Po, what were you thinking about?" asked Kasper.

"Nothing, Misssstresssss." said Po, while winking in Allen's direction.

Allen shivered and then stunned us all. "I was thinking of dirty mops."

"Ehhhhhh?"

"What, you said to think of something dirty." Allen smiled sheepishly while sweatdrops appeared on everyone's heads.

"Okay, god Moyashi, I knew you were innocent minded but I didn't know how bad it was." Lavi was then hit with the Tyki stick while Allen screamed the usual my name is Allen bit.

"Leave my nephew alone! I love him innocent." Let's just say, Neah was hit with a Tyki stick too.

"And speaking if Neah in pain..." Kasper let a predatory smirk grave her lips as she watched Neah bleed, out of the corner of her eyes.

"Oh no! Not me! UghhahHsh!"

"One of my favorite reviewers J or aka J'accuse accuses Allen Walker of being too cute for his own good-"

"Phew! It has nothing to do with me!"

"- and having an excessively strong innocence and J is pushing for the sentence of him being whipped without a shirt on, in front of Neah."

"NNNOoOOOOOOo!' My baby is not taking his shirt off in in front of the eyes of lusty men! Kasper, you are such an anus! How can you subject a child, or even my baby Allen-pop?"

"Allen-pop?" Everyone turned to stare at Neah, who shrugged sheepishly and mentioned something about his love of Baby Bottle Pops, explaining the fusion of the two names.

"Plus he tastes like one!"

Kasper needed to see if this was true so to prove her ninja skills she jumped on top of Allen and licked his entire face, like a dog.

"It's true! Le gasp! Don't let Road near him." At this time, Road was poofed back to her room, where I feel the need to mention that Sheryl was still in the exact same spot he was when she left, and when she poofed back in he started right where their conversation left off. Proving once again that Sheryl is just a lump of poo that can talk.

"I say let the whipping begin. And I shall whip him." Kasper magically whipped up a whip (haha pun) and ordered Allen to strip. He complied, albeit with a glare sent in Kasper's direction.

He kneeled on the floor with his back facing Kasper, as she lifted the whip and sent it flying down upon the skin on his back with a satisfying crack! His skin started to split and blood was streaming down his back in ribbons with each sound the whip made.

Neah was screaming and struggling to be freed from the two captors that were the Earl and Tyki. Lavi was too busy to care as he was reading the Deathly Hallows and eating meat. Ah, Lavi, you breath of fresh air.

Neah was continuing to struggle after he swore he could see his darling baby nephew's spine. He finally cried out, struck Tyki in his pokeballs, and hit the Earl on his stomach. He did not want to damage those goods. He threw himself atop Kasper and grabbed the whip and flung it across the room. He then grabbed her neck and twisted till he heard a very satisfying crack. Kasper dropped to the floor and her mouth was split on a silent cry for help

2 hours later~

Kasper's neck was in a brace as she glared angrily at Neah.

"I said I was sorry!"

"You snapped my neck! I could've died Neah!"

"And I revived you, so shut up."

Kasper would never again get in between Neah and Allen. Talk about mixed signals much? Who the fuck are you in love with? Well, we have to finish the show and we have two more charges.

"Lavi, finish the charges. We still have two more to go, and I really just want to go home."

"Okay, the next one is from both Unnoticed Observer and Mikado. Unnoticed Observer says to accuse Komui of being over protective of Lenalee and being counter-productive, causing lots of chaos and destruction with his experiments and Komurins...and causing stress to the scientists. Also for the fact he is very untidy. Mikado accuses him of destruction of property, conducting illegal experiments (including potions, drugs, and whatthehell liquids), battery, child abuse, incest, overworking co-workers. Mikado want Komui to never be in the same room with Lenalee again. Wow."

"I know. He really doesn't want to be in the same room with that train wreck." said Kasper.

"I want KOMUI!"

Lala once again flew into the room with an angry Komui and tossed him inside. She stood up, saluted, and ran out again.

"Komui, you are a horrible boss to work for. We sentence you to never be in the same room with Lenalee again, and to also clean the entire order wearing nothing but a pink frilly tutu." said Lavi.

"You have my LENALEE! WHERE IS SHE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HER!"

"Oh, you don't want to know..."

Suddenly, Komui found himself only weaing a pink, fluffy tutu and back in the halls of the order. He had a mop and broom and felt the need to clean _everything. _Reevr walked up and was like, "Yo, chief what are you wearing...?"

"Oh my dear, sweet Reever, I have the need to clean! And I never want to see Lenalee ever again..." As he said this, his eyes started to tear and cry while he still had a very strained smile on his face.

And thus is the story, that Kasper irrefutably fucked with the Lee siblings. Now on to cooler things.

"And the last review for today is actually an anonymous one. It says that all the noahs are being charged for being way too awesome, except Sheryl..." Lavi looked up from the slip of paper and just stared, dumbfounded. He thought they were all freaks.

"This calls for a CELEBRATION! NOAHS ONLY DANCE PARTY!" Kasper screamed and suddenly everyone was locked in cage but the Earl, Tyki, Kasper, Allen, and the other Noahs.

There was a ridiculous amount of dancing and hiphop grinding and a wutang challenge between Allen and the Earl, until everyone finally realized something...

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS NOAHS ONLY!"

"I am a Noah... Suddenly Kasper's red hair turned very spiky and it turned into a very icy blue color. Her clothes transformed into a green and black top and black tight tripp pants and high heels. Their were chains on her pants and then you looked up and saw the 7 holy marks upon her forehead and her eyes turn gold with catlike pupils and surprising flecks of pink and red in the irises. They glowed different colors depending on her mood, but there was always gold in there somewhere.

"That's right! I AM THE FIFTEENTH NOAH! KASPER, THE NOAH OF INSANITY!"

"That is unbelievably accurate..." observed Tyki.

"Now remember, if you don't want me to kill you review and tell me things about the story, aka the rating. Also more requests are okay. Merry Christmas and also the next episode will be Christmas themed! And if you guess, when I used my powers this chapter, you get a cookie! Alos, would any of you like to take part as my minions, I mean cohosts? You get to help right the chapter...or at least your request~ SEE YA!


	7. Rants, Sexual Scenes, and Conspiracies?

**Warning: Contains sexual scenes, Christmas, random dress changes, Tyki being the god he is, cheating, rants, conspiracies, and Kasper being Kasper**"This beautiful monstrosity is now rated M! I am sorry for forgetting about this but I was working on my new fic, Taken, so read it! It will contain angsty zombie, broken, evil, Noah!Allen. My first true angst and action fic. And I need a beta reader for it."

* * *

"Why in every fic you do, you end up hurting me?" asked Allen

"What?"

"You made my uncle gay, Kasper! The VERY first EarlxNeah fic."

"Thank you and now to celebrate Christmas." Kasper tangoed her way to the middle of the room and clapped. The room transformed into a wonderland of green and red tinsel. Christmas trees decorated every corner and angels were atop them. Various baubles and balls hung from the walls and there was a even a live reindeer in the corner!

She clapped once again and smirked as the lights turned off.

"Where did the lights go?"

"Kasper!"

A giggle was all that was heard as the lifts turned back on.

The first thing that everyone registered was that Kasper was in different clothes. She was wearing a strapless red thigh high dress with white fur trim and white knee high boots. Her shirt red hair was wavy and had streaks of green all throughout. Also, she was once again, in her Noah form. The Noah skin and eyes just completely made the entire outfit pop. She was also wearing a green elf hat that ended around her lower back with a gold jingly bell that rang every time she moved.

"Yeah! CHRISSYMAS!" She screamed and raised her hands in the air.

"Why couldn't you have gone into the bathroom to change?" asked Neah.

"Because then I couldn't have changed ya'lls clothes too." She pulled out a nail file as they stared dumbfound at her.

Then they looked down.

Allen was wearing a green tie and a red dress shirt with the sleeves pulled up to his elbows. On his hands were dark green gloves and on his lower half was black dress pants and a piano belt. His hair was styled but not in that ridiculous cockatoo bird style. It was basically spiked straight up, in haphazard messy spikes.

Neah wore the same only inverted and his belt was black piano keys!

The Earl was in his human form with very festive striped PJs!

Lavi was in a green and red bunny suit with a Christmas ornament themed bow tie.

Tyki was in white pants and a red and green Happy Bunny t-shirt that said 'Merry Christmas... Well bite me Santa!'. He was also wearing a black colored Santa hat.

"What the hell, Kasper!"

"I love my pjs!

"Me and my nephew are matchies!"

"Ehhhh?"

"Neah and Allen are my co-hosts so they must match. Lavi will be the first Christmas bunny. The Earl looks beautiful in pajamas. And Tyki can dress like that, he jumps from dressing in suits to crap wear to teenager clothes."

"I guess..."

"Why a bunny?"

"Oh, Kasper, you know me so well ~ 3"

"Why does everyone pick on me?" groaned Tyki.

"Because you're a descendant of Pedo-Bear and we love you.. Oh and you have a charge." expelained Kasper.

"Ugh... If it has bees, I'm leaving. I still have stings."

"crazycomedian wants you to stand outside the Order and scream 'Riki Tyki Tavi!' because your name rocks. It's fun to say. Tyki, Tyki, Tyki!"

"...No. That's just stupid." said Tyki.

"Come on! Pweaseeee!" begged Neah and Kasper.

"No. Why would I degrade myself in front of exorcists?"

"Do it, Tyki-Twin. Or I will show everyone that funny picture of you~." blackmailed Neah.

"...Fine. And Tyki-Twin..?"

"Tyki is Neah's twin." Kasper said exasperatedly, then snapped her fingers.

The entire group in their various Christmas cosplays even though it was January were seen hovering outside the Order.

Tyki was chilling outside the front gate. That was until he heard a voice screaming, "You can do it, my Twin~~~!". His only thought was, screw you Neah.

He breathed air into his lungs and screamed the louder he could. "RIKI TYKI TAVI!"

Just then Komui looked up from cleaning the bathroom with his toothbrush. "That sounded like a Noah wearing happy bunny and surrounded with people he hates and is being bribed to say something ridiculous. Now I must finish this floor!"

"That was GREAT!" laughed Allen. What did you think he would be a sourpuss the entire time? I think not. He was laughing uncontrollably back at the courtroom, clutching at a stitch that was no doubt developing on his side.

"Enough of that, Himikaz12 has a charge for Allen. It's apparently because you never mentioned your love for Mana and you're too nice to everybody. Away with your virginity, you shall be given to Lavi and Tyki for 6 hours."

"I did love him! Nooooo!" He screamed as he was being dragged to the ever famous conveniently appearing closet.

Lavi happily bunnyhopped his way to the closet in his cutesy little costume and Tyki followed him. Neah was crying something about his Allen- pop's first time while the Earl consoled him that their boy was old enough.

"Ah, wait! I forgot!" Kasper deviously smirked as she snapped her fingers and Allen's outfit changed.

What was once decent clothes was now nose bleed worthy. On Allen's head was a green jester hat with red lining and red jingly bells. His hair was now long like a girls and put into matching pig tails. He looked down to see there was a green corset with red frilly lace and white ribbons on the chest and a white apron. On his legs was a very short miniskirt with slits on the side in a very dark green. He had silky ribbons tied around his legs in green and red that were attached to silver heels. The entire outfit looked like it could fall apart by a tug on a ribbon.

"W-What? Get this monstrosity off of me! No..." Allen was clutching at his face, trying to hide his blush.

Lavi and Neah's mouths dropped to the floor. "Well, you make a very pretty girl, Shounen." Tyki smirked. That comment made Kasper's smirk grow even wider because of the HUGE poker pair fan she was.

Before our beutiful hero dressed in drag could even glare at Tyki, he was picked up by Teletubbies and thrown into the closet and slammed shut after Tyki and Lavi ran in.

Po was clutching at Kasper and screaming that they should stop those heathens before they took Allen's virginity, but Kasper kicked him in the face. No one would ruin her fantasy.

* * *

In the closet~ = HardCoRe YaOi

* * *

Allen opened his eyes to find that something was straddling his hips. He looked up to see it was Lavi. "Come on, Lavi. Get up."

"No. We were told to do this."

"Lavi, you can't take everything that insane authoress says to heart." Allen said, while the most prominent feature on his face was a blush from the rather sexual position they were in.

"Sorry querido, but six hours of anything we want to do to you. And there's one thing we are going to do." said Tyki, as Lavi got off of him and Tyki picked him up and carried him over to the bed that literally dropped from the sky.

"Kasper thinks of everything." noted Lavi, with an expression of awe on his face.

"Guys, I really don't think-" Allen's voice died as Tyki gave him a passionate kiss. It was filled with passion, lust, love, and something else he couldn't quite place. And he _wanted_ more.

As Tyki was assaulting his lips, Lavi was placing kisses all over Allen's neck and arms. Each place was marked for future use. Finally, Tyki released Allen's bruise-kissed lips for air. The only thing still connecting them was a thin string of saliva. "Now that's what a first kiss should be like, Shounen."

Allen was on fire as pleasure assaulted his veins from both Tyki's kiss and Lavi's kisses. Tyki rolled behind him and started massaging his neck muscles while Lavi pulled the bow tied around Allen's neck and the corset fell to the ground.

"T-Toldja, Kasper put meee in a-a thing of str-strings..." Lavi wasn't happy when he saw his love rival, Tyki, sucking on apparently a very sensitive spot on Allen's left shoulder. So, he was the one that was making him stutter. He would not back down from this challenge.

He leaned back down and rested his chin right above Allen's navel, and saw Allen eyes widen. He smirked as he dipped his tongue into it, and felt as Allen trembled beneath him. So he decided to give it right back to Tyki. He wanted to have Allen, and he would show the older male that he was capable.

He licked a long trail up Allen's belly and lightly blew on it, causing him to shiver. "Nngh.. Huhha... Please Lavi..more.."

Lavi looked up to see Allen's face in the throes of pleasure and and Tyki's narrowed eyes over his shoulder. He smirked and proceeded to suck on his nipple and rub the other erect bud in his fingers. That had Allen gasping his name.

Tyki had enough of watching that rabbit play with his food. There are far better ways to play and make your partner a mess. Like so. Tyki reached down and yanked the boy's little skirt right off. He stared shocked and so did Lavi.

Kasper had apparently left them a present. She had also transformed Allen's boxers into blood red panties with frilly black lace on the edges. And to complete the perfect little picture, his erection was straining against the soaked fabric.

Tyki smirked at Lavi as he used his powers to go through the boy's undergarments and teasingly stroke his erection. Allen moaned his name beatifully. "Tyyyykiiiiii~~~~... do it again..."

"Yes quierdo, I will... But don't be impatient. We have 6 hours... The fun's just beginning." he said as both him and Lavi smirked at the youngest, with hungry looks on their faces. Allen gulped and thought, Oh, I won't be walking any time soon...

* * *

Back to the courtroom~ yaoi officially over... For now.

* * *

"Oh I know, I cut the scene short. But no worries, I have gotten a lot of poker pair and Laven requests. So don't worry, it will happen again." said Kasper, as she ate her oats and honey granola bar.

"Oh and according to the reviews, some people don't like the Fifteenth. It's okay because she is a new breed of Noah. A Noah created by that detestable Order, and if I weren't gay, I would've had sex with her already." explained Neah.

"Awwww, Ne-Ne, you do care, and if I wasn't committed to supporting you, you would've been screwed up the wall by now, cause your hot." cooed Kasper.

"Okay. Since you and my lover are too busy hugging. I shall charge people. Ohohoho! Sheryl and Komui to the stand! ~ 3" said the Earl.

Komui and Sheryl were whisked to the stand by a new helper this time, that poor akuma from episode 18, the akuma that never had a chance to kill Lenalee. That poor akuma because I was cheering him on cause she needed to go. Poor guy...

That akuma appeared and carried both Sheryl, that poo stink, and Komui.

"What is the meaning of this- Oh hello, Earl sama." Sheryl said as he spied the Millenium Earl.

"Awww~ My naughty, naughty Sheryl and the supervisor~. You have been charged by Gothicgirl12 for being too overprotective and having interest in your daughter and sister respectively. How do you both plead?~ 3" asked the Earl, with a slightly insane pout in his face, which did not look good on the face of a man in striped pajamas.

"It's happening again..." moaned Komui as he put his head in his hands.

"Not guilty, your Earlness! My Road is a beautiful child and she's mine. No one shall have her!" Sheryl screamed.

The Earl looked to Kasper to see what her sentence would be, but then he saw Kasper and Neah making out with each other. "Your sentence is to spend eternity with gross prostitutes. Bad ones." and then he summoned the poor pathetic akuma that failed in killing Lenabitch and whisked them away to a poorly run whore house. And that's how Sheryl got AIDS and so many other diseases. But back to our courtroom.

The Earl pulled out his sword, decorated like a Christmas tree because Neah thought it would look cyuuuteee~ and used it to separate the sucking face pair.

He pulled Neah to him and screamed "Miiiiine!" and ran away. But he did come back another day. More like Kasper made a portal under where he and Neah were walking and made them fall back in. But that's another story for another day.

"Well, I guess I'll be by myself. Stupid Earl, go bone your boyfriend possessively at another time in the day! God! Okay, next charge, Person accuses Cross of bailing on his debts, making poor Allen pay for them, and being a womanizer and a pedo. Punishment for his crime is to pay all of his debts and be denied 'exercise' for 3 weeks." Kasper smiled a bone chilling smile as her golden eyes glowed red and she snapped her fingers.

"Marian, you are such a bitch!" One of his many whores slapped Marian Cross, world renowned sexual deviant, and grabbed her clothes and ran out the door. God, what was the world coming to, if even he couldn't get it up? And then a knock on the door disrupted his inner musings.

He opened up the door to see a sack of papers as tall as him with a smiley face on the top paper that said, 'Love, K, heart hearty-heart heart heart! P.S., no sex for you ;)!'

He ran a hand through his hair and knew, it was all Kasper and his idiot apprentice's fault.

"Oh don't worry, we'll see how he is next week... Mwahahaha!" evil giggled Kasper. "Plus, we still have one more charge of the day. And it's against Timothy!"

"BRING ME TIMOTHY AND ROAD!"

The Teletubbies quickly ran into the room, deposited Timmy-boi and Roadie at Kasper's feet, and then ran away.

"It's you again..." grumbled Road.

"Yes, did you have fun regenerating from dust and then taking over hell for a week, just so I could rip you away from your kingdom? Well, anyways, your not here for a punishment. I feel bad since you're one of my fave characters, and girl, you got style." snapped Kasper, and she literally snapped her fingers in a Z formation.

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Timothy.

"DON'T TALK THAT WAY TO YOUR FUCKIN ELDERS!" screamed Kasper, as she beat him with the urgleh stick 2x.

"Boi, you are a piece of cheese with all 4 corners missing, in other words, you're not even the full slice."

"What does that even mean..?" mumbled Timothy.

"Well, what am I even here for, _dear_ sister?" remarked Road, very sarcastically.

"xKunoichixAngelx accuses Timothy Hearst of sexual harassment aka boobie squeezing! So, you get to play with him and break that deplorable habit. And you have no boobies, so it's okay."

"You bitch!"

Candles appeared over Kasper and sliced through the air, going straight towards her. She simply looked up, smiled innocently, and the fire grew to exponential amounts that it burned the candles to little puddles of wax.

"Why is it every chapter you gain more power?" questioned Road.

"Because, the longer this story runs, the more power and ideas I have over you! Mwahahahahha! So, take him and leave..."

Road's smile threatened to split her face in two as she looked over her new playmate. He seemed to have a strong attitude, but that could be destroyed quickly enough. "Come on, little boy! Let's go play!"

"Play...?"

And that was the last words Timothy ever uttered.

No, just joking...He'll be back next time for confessional.

Kasper flipped open her laptop. She entered in her password and hummed a small little tune to herself.

"La da da da da la da da da da Kill yourself." And then the happy tune ended. "OH MY GAWD!"

"What's wrong, K?" was heard from the conveniently appearing closet which name was probably going to be shortened to the molestation closet or sex hole in the wall. Something like that.

"LAVI, DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR BEING HELD PRISONER BY A NOAH WITH A ROTTING COW TONGUE?"

"That would be Fiddler, and his tongue kills me." And that would be Tyki. How could they even talk while fucking Allen?

"AND TYKI, WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AROUND IN A VERSION OF LAVI'S CLOTHES? AND WHY IS ROAD IN BOOTY SHORTS? AND WHY IS SHERYL BEING MORE OF A FUCKFACE THAN USUAL? ALLLEN...WHY WON'T YOU EAT? AND WHY ARE YOU ABOUT TO GET RAPED BY A PRIEST? OH ALLEN, NOOOOO! DON'T LET HIM HAVE YOUR VIRTUE! IT'S FOR TYKI AND LAVI AND NEAH, WHICHEVER ONE GETS THERE FIRST I DON'T CARE!"

A colossal "WHAT!" was heard from the other room.

"WHY DOES THE MAN THAT WANTS TO RAPE ALLEN LOOK LIKE SHOU TUCKER FROM FULL METAL ALCHEMIST? WHY IS LINK LETTING HIM DO IT! THERE BETTER BE SOME FUCKING CHARGES ABOUT THAT. OH NAMELESS PRIEST, YOUR ASS WILL BE BURNED ENJOYABLY BY ME! OH HOSHINO, WHY DO YOU TORMENT US?"

"Well, that's enough for this chapter. I want reviews, dammit. Now be good, or I won't use my powers to kill you. Joking. I wouldn't kill you. _Or would I?_ Dun dun dun. Extra points for who can tell me where the little tune I hummed came from. Oh and I am in need of a Beta for my new story, Taken. If interested, review or Pm. And last thing, I came across Man novels which I had no idea existed till early this week. They are in Japanese and there are 3 out. The first novel is kinda boring. The second novel hints about Lavi's past and his eye. And the 3rd book is the one I can't find translations for. It has info on the Neah, the fourteenth Noah and possibly why he looks like Tyki and why the Earl looks like Mana. It is technically canon because it is written by a friend of Hoshino's and the 3rd book, the one I can't find, Hoshino co-wrote. And she apparently got into a fight with her bosses about how much she was to reveal, because it was releasing a shitload of info about Neah, before the actual chapter where we learned his name. So, if you can find translations for book 3, I would like to have them. I encourage you to read the other 2, as well cause it increases understanding. They are called Man Reverse. Oh, and recently, I have a theory about Allen's name. If you reword it, and switch letters around, you get Nea II. And I heard, in the Japanese, that is the correct spelling. I personally like Neah, but whatevers, so Allen is basically the second coming of Neah! Joyous for him! Happy New Year, and see ya next time!"


	8. Gay photoshoots, Starbucks, and Gore

Warning: death, gore, torture, Starbucks, gay photoshoots, Tylenol abuse, 2x4 planks, Kasper once again being a freak, yaoi in a desert, and well...what else can we say? You opened the fucking chapter

* * *

"I have noticed that my reviews are low, because I changed the rating and people aren't reading. Well, PISS ON THEM!" Kasper screamed while flipping off the readers who didn't read.

Neah popped up next to his BFF Kasper, with a possessive Earl making rabid dog noises at her and said "I know, we're back. And now I have to have the Earl carry me around cause my back is killing me. And who's fault is that!" Neah glared at the Earl.

The Earl lightly nuzzled Neah's neck and nipped the skin a little. "I'm sorry, my dearest. I was just so jealous and you were so ravishing so I had to screw you into the wall. Your screams were truly musical to the ears."

Neah blushed a deep red and playfully swatted his boyfriend's jacket. "Oh, you~"

"Well. Anyways, Final Exams are a bitch. And now I can say goodbye to my Beginner's French, Anatomy, and English 2 classes! Au revoir!" Kasper kicked her study books clear across the room and did a little dance.

"Well, we should probably do the damn charges. Music-rox12 accuses Lavi of never showing what's underneath his eye patch, for hurting poor Allen in the Ark, and for not showing up in the manga lately (he only shows up in a panel once and then dissappears T.T) go easy on him though cuz he glomped Allen on the Ark (is a Laven fan XD)." explained Allen.

"Where the fuck did you come from? I thought Lavi and Tyki were playing with you." chimed Kasper.

Allen looked bored and said, "We're done."

Tyki and Lavi walked out of the closet with normal clothes on and messy hair. All three smelled like sex and sweat but, somehow, it made them sexier.

"Lavi, why do you not have a backstory? Why are you such a dick and also why is it that you showed up once in the manga and then you showed up again only dying?"

"Because I'm not as beastly right now, cause I'm dying of Fiddler's poison."

"True. But I demand retribution! I sentence you to walk back here from an unknown location. Be gone!" She clapped her hands and Lavi disappeared from the courtroom.

* * *

Lavi opened his one eye and glanced around. He appeared to be in a very sandy desert and it was so hot the sun was pulling a Tyki and molesting his skin. Sand dunes were everywhere, as far as the eye can see. (Haha, eye pun XD) He yelled, "KASPEEEEERRRR!"

* * *

"Heh, I sent Lavi to the Sahara. Awesome. He'll find his way back music-rox, don't worry. Next charge!"

Allen smiled discreetly and opened up a second piece of paper. "REVENGE wants Kanda to eat mitarashi dango shirtless, while we take pictures of him."

"Yeah, uhm, Allen, your gunna have ta leave the room." chuckled Kasper.

"What are you talking about- ARGH!"

"Be GONE, wicked beast!" screamed Kasper as she picked Allen up and threw him into a portal that led to Lavi's location.

* * *

"Oooof!" Allen glanced around and saw sand dunes everywhere and a single emerald orb staring at him. "What did you get sent here for?" he asked.

"I don't know. She just kicked me out. Hey, you don't have any food, do you?"

"No."

"KASPEEEERRRRR!" was heard throughout the desert once more.

* * *

"You sent them away to fuck in the desert didn't you?"

"Womderful observation Neah! And then there were two." Kasper smirked and drummed her fingers on the wood of the desk.

"What are you talking about? Tyki should be here somewhere." Mumbled the Earl.

"Oh, I sent him out to Starbucks. Now bring me Kanda!"

Lala jumped from behind a statue and threw the samurai at the feet of Kasper. He looked up and his eyes widened as he drank in her Noah form.

"You've been a Noah. This ENTIRE fucking TIME!"

"Yes. Now strip your shirt!" Kasper snapped and Kanda's shirt was shredded to ribbons. "Hey!"

"Now eat these Dango!" Kasper screamed as she held out a plate of dango and twirled a camera on her ring finger.

A dango was forcefully shoved in Kanda's mouth as the Earl turned on photoshoot music and Neah turned on the fan.

Kasper was whispering club music under her breath and took pictures as Kanda was

munching on his sweet treat. He was posing and flexing all over the place while Neah and the Earl were posing with him shirtless and pelvic thrusting at each other.

* * *

Tyki however, was still at Starbucks. He was in line, planning on getting the vanilla bean shake for Kasper and all kinds of other treats, when he felt a disturbance in the force. There was a gay photoshoot going on with pelvic thrusting, and_ he wasn't part of it!_

He reached the front of the line and a gay blond kid did the customary greeting, "Welcome to Starbucks, how may I help you?"

"Listen, I want biscotti, two vanilla bean shakes cause Kasper and Neah like that shit cause it looks like jizz, a giant cookie for the Earl, a black coffee with cinnamon for me, a pumpkin coffee for Lavi and coffee brownies for Allen."

As the gay kid scrambled to get the orders, Tyki had the feeling overwhelm him once again. How can those bitches do something without him? He received his orders and promptly paid the homosexual before he screamed, "Pleasure Man, AWAY!" and jumped into the air to fly through the roof and back to the courtroom, holding various coffees and coffee-related snacks.

* * *

"Ahahahaha! I felt my Hot guy senses go off. A very hot and sexually active man is headed this way. To the next charge! Tallyho!" Kasper yelled as she blasted off cannons that blew up as fireworks spelling 'Oh that poor sucker.'

"Oh yeah, my good friend, aoiyumekou48, wants Laven action. Since there already in the desert, they should be getting down to business right about now."

* * *

Allen was laying down on the hot sand, moaning as Lavi licked around his navel and bestowed hot kisses all over his torso. He glanced down as Lavi looked up in a Cheshire cat grin and lazily circled the erect pink nub on his chest.

"This is t-the second time-time we've done this-s..." breathed out Allen.

Lavi smirked once more and said, "Yeah but now we don't have that pervert weighing us down."

"Who's the pervert, Lavi?" laughed Allen as he quickly flung Lavi into his previous position.

The rabbit faceplanted into the sand and shivered when he turned to face the lust filled, unrelenting eyes of his beloved.

"Did you know I use my black side for specific things?" he asked.

"I thought it was only for poker and games." Lavi mentioned.

Allen smirked as he grabbed Lavi's clothed erection and pressed down on it, earning a hiss from the man pinned underneath him. "You thought wrong. You were teasing me and playing games, and I only play games that I know I can win. So, let the games begin."

Allen unzipped Lavi's pants and pulled his erection free from the confines of it's oppression. He quickly unzipped his own pants and rubbed their two erections against each other.

They both moaned each other's names and silver met green in a loving and lustful gaze.

Allen lowered his face to Lavi's cock and teasingly licked the underside. He licked and nipped at every piece of skin his tongue could reach. He received a moan in response and continued his treatment of his lover's rock hard shaft.

Lavi was moaning louder and louder, and pulling Allen's hair so he could thrust more into that wet cavern. He felt that familiar coil in his abdomen tighten and he released all of his seed into Allen's mouth.

Lavi was breathless as he came down from his orgasm and looked as Allen swallowed all of his cum and smiling like a cat who just ate the canary.

"Oh, we aren't done here." He hooked his finger in the air with obvious 'come here' fashion. Sometimes, Lavi really hated Black Allen.

* * *

"Well, that was smexy. My second shot at ever writing porno. Okay, Lucky Lemonade has a charge and I think it fucking important as HELL. This is what Lemonade said. 'I accuse the DGM TRANSLATORS of being MORONIC SONS OF BITCHES. The 19th book just came out where I live, right, and I was at the book store and I saw it and I admit to going all crazy OMG-I-WANT-IT, but then I opened it to see the scene where Wisely awakens and we see all the cool new Noah (like Fiddler. Come on, the tongue's not that bad). HOWEVER! Those goddamn translators have written all the names EXACTLY how they would be pronounced in Japanese. Like, Wisely's name is written 'Waizurii', and Tryde is 'Toraido' and... I am not kidding. It's blasphemy. So, please, for me, KILL THEM ALL.' Those fucking bastards..."

Kasper, Neah, the Earl and Kanda were furious. And fucking LIVID. How dare these sons of bitches fuck up their story.

"YOU ASSHOLES! GET YOUR COCKSUCKING, DICKLICKING, ONE PIECE OF BREAD SHORT OF A SANDWICH ASSES IN HERE!"

5 extremely nerdy looking ass clowns came into the room carrying the 19th book as evidence.

Kasper looked at them but all they saw was a redheaded chick with fire surrounding her, a ring of darkness upon her head as a halo, of sorts, and screams permeating the air. "Why did you translate it wrong and break the poor heart and soul of a girl (I think?) that is my reviewer. You damaged her (his?) soul!"

The head nerd guy, who I deemed Smacky, for he would be the first to be smacked, straightened his glasses, and looked at Kasper with a look of disdain. "Look girlie, I don't know how you managed to bring the characters to life, but, this is what we do for a living. I think we know how to translate better than some stupid little girls-OOOF!"

Kasper smacked him with a 2x4 plank of wood, and I mean hard. "You are going down." She deadpanned. The other nerds stared at her fearfully when they saw the Earl, Neah, and Kanda jumping down on them in SWAT team gear.

Neah quickly shot 2 of the guys in the kneecaps while the Earl gauged out their eyes with knitting needles. Kanda was performing a kind of crude acupuncture with dango sticks on his two guys, while Smacky was being backed into a corner by the Princess of Hell herself. And not Road, numskulls.

She picked up the plank of wood again and smashed it into his kneecap, essentially busting it up in a spray of cartilage and blood. She grabbed his hands and bent each finger back until she heard a sickening _crack!_ From each. She grabbed him by his hair and straddled his lap while she leaned in and whispered in his ear. "Waizurii. I think not. His name is _**Wisely**_. And in retrospect, that was not a very _**wise**_ decision." She grabbed both sides of his head and twisted till she heard his vertebrae give way. His body limply fell to the ground and she stood up, giggling at the mass carnage that she and her cohorts have caused.  
So was the end of Smacky and his deranged, asshattery group of translators.

"Well, that this week's gore. Glad we got that outta our system. Speaking of Wisely, Watashi-wa-inori-tsuzukeru says,'I accuse him of being a douchefag by always bitching about his headaches. It's called aspirin.'" Kasper looked at the paper and smiled as Po dragged Wisely into the room because he was continuing to be a douchefag by sitting on the floor Indian style. Well, let his ass get rugburned. He will be dragged.

Kasper looked at him and in an unemotional tone of voice, said, "Choke him up on some Tylenol. I want him so drugged he can't figure out how many eyes he has."

The teletubbies swarmed around him and started stuffing pills down his throat. His muffled screams resounded throughout the room, because Po, that red Teletubbie bastard, was stuffing in bottles of Tylenol, instead of actual pills. Gawd, he hasn't been the same since Allen lost his virginity.

"Okay, a couple announcements before I go. 1)Review or I will fucking kill you. 2) I will do all of your requests sometime, except for the Christmas ones, cause they are out of date. 3) Gothicgirl12 will be next update's cohost! Yay for her! Now, tell me in a review a little bit about yourself so I can personalize you as awesome as I can. And finally, 4) the insult of the week, which I come up with, is: I'll hit you so hard, by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and a plane ticket to get back!"

As soon as she finished saying this, 2 things happened. Number 1, a disheveled and sunburned Lavi and Allen walked into the room. And number 2, Tyki flew through the roof and fucking broke it!

"I SENSED A GAY PHOTOSHOOT! WHERE IS IT KASPER?"

"KASPER, WHY ARE THERE DEAD GUYS ALL OVER THE PLACE?" screamed Lavi, while Allen was fishing through Smacky's wallet.

Kasper finally had enough and smacked the both of them with the same bloody 2x4 that had dealing in the end of Smacky's life. "Tyki, you will fix my fucking roof, because your a jackass. Lavi, they pissed me off. Now, where's my vanilla jizz milkshake Tyki?

Tyki looked down and realized in his haste, he dropped everything on a poor squirrel.

"I dropped it on a poor squirrel family."

Kasper smacked him again with the board and said, "So now you feel the need to hurt hobo rodents? That's just great. Fucking psychotic rodent fiend. GOOD DAY TO YOU!" and she smacked him again and took off.


	9. What really happened in Chapter 203

Okay, I have refused to write any more until I figured out what the fuck is wrong with DGM. Like seriously, it is so cracked up and weird I don't know what's going on. And as a treat to you guys, open up a new window, pull it up next to this window and follow along with this and the new chapter. This is how cracked DGM IS IN MY MIND PEOPLE! I can't fucking wrap my head around it. And this is what my crack filled mind gave birth to. Enjoy.

* * *

Magical scary eye opens up and what do you know? It's the fucking Millennium Earl! Now in his Noah form, needing a shave, looking _very _threatening in his striped jammies, and a hand slowly but surely snaking down to probably stroke his erection. How do I know? Because he's a fucking pervert and pedophile over Allen.

"Allen~~~" The Earl moaned. His eyes widened, as he actually figured out he was not having a wet dream. "14th!"

The scream was apparently heard even in the Black Order as Cardinal Jizz Tool, has his fingers transform as Allen, once again, arches his back as he's being raped. (Why is Allen _**THE**_ most raped character in DGM?

As Cardinal Pissynerd, continues to have his arm transform into winged things and tentacles to rape poor innocent Noah boys, Allen screams, "AAAAGGHHH! STRANGER DANGER! LINK, I NEED YOU!~~~""

Link bursts into the room, like "HELLFUCKING YEAH!" but then he sees Cardinal STD Turkey. Link could not believe a Catholic priest was touching a little boy. Well, I sure as hell can believe it. Half the world can too, Link.

Then it goes to the title page, which is a page of Cardinal Tit Coffin is hugging himself, obviously trying not to rape the viewers. Bring it on, Cardinal Skank Sniffer, I will be the first to beat you down!

The next page is a wonderful view of Link's ass and continual rapage of Allen. Nice.

"Who are you and why must you rape my charge? I would've joined you! Shibaribane! Link screamed, as he tried to seal away Cardinal Squid.

However, Cardinal Twat Dipper was too fast for our two-dotted hero, snuck up behind him, grabbed his head, and I really believe the Cardinal Prick Biscuit slammed his cock into Link, because he was tired of waiting for Allen. Plus he wanted no witnesses. I mean, come on, that is the face you make if you are not prepared. It fucking hurts! Poor Link.

As Cardinal Pissy Wheel continues ass fucking Link, Allen gets up and stares, like the horny teenage child he is, and is like, "What is he? Is he a sexual deviant?" No Allen, he's just a Catholic priest. Then, Cardinal Hermaphrodite Fettler somehow makes winged things sprout from Link's eyes, and says, "Be a good little boy. I don't want Leverrier to figure out that I'm a pedophile." Really, cause I could tell by first look, fucker that looks like Shou Tucker. Wow, that rhymed! And I like it!

Cardinal Sausage Numpty continues to whisper naughty things in Link's ears, telling him he won't remember because of the date-rape he probably shot him up with.

"STOPPPPPPPP RAPING MY FRIENDDDDDD!" Allen screamed!

Crown Clown saves the day and essentially shuts that Ass Spanner up by stabbing him through the head. That's fucking beast. I would like to have that weapon. I would use it on my Algebra teacher.

So anyways, Crown Clown has gone berserk and beast. Way cool, and kudos to Hoshino for the awesome shot that shows the exit wound. Alright, CSI'ers, pack it up, we know how this Vomitfish died.

"O my gawd, I actually killed someone. It doesn't matter that he's a Sausage Burger. I killed him. I am a Noah, But, I mean, it's okay, he tried to rape me. And I couldn't see. It was self defense. But I murdered someone.

As Allen the rape victim has his break down, the seemingly dead STD Face walks towards him. Wait, I thought he was dead? Well, fangirls, he isn't and yes, let us mourn together.

His exit wound gets bigger as Crown Clown tries to subdue him. "You are strong individual with amazing spiritual power. You are amazing with your innocence Walker. And I will take it, But not your Innocence. Your Virginity." Cue Allen confuzzled face.

The Herpes Biscuit grabs our young hero's face as Crown Clown has now taken out his eye. Does this Fucker From Another Mother feel no pain!

"You are a beautiful exorcist, Allen." Said the Pap Alley. Like that's not creep at all. "Don't be afraid. I'm going to absorb you." Allen's eyes have now gained the ability to shoot sperm as he remembers his Master. Very nice, Allen. You gain this ability, now?

A back story shows how this Vomit Trombone apparently thought Cross was Allen, and killed him/absorbed him. Who else thinks the Bastard Fettler should check files and pictures before he gallivants around, randomly killing people?

As the Slag Lobster grinds on Allen, Timcanpy tries to chew his seal so he can perhaps shoot his LAZARZ at the Ho Cellist that dares to rape Allen.

AND GUESS WHO COMES TO THE RESCUE! MY TWO FAVORITE PEEPS, TYKI AND ROAD! Only at this point, you see Tease and Road's door. But you know they're going to save the bishounen's ass.

The Shitter Spanner is like, "OMG, WHAT IS THIS BUTTERFLY DOING HERE?" as he still completely ignores the spike stabbed in his face. Asshole. He still stares at the bug, as a cloaked man flies over him. You would think he would sense the bad vibes, but he's a rapist, so he's used to his own. He can't feel anyonelse's.

The cloaked man turns out to be Tyki, as he is once again in the Noah unifrom, saying, "Stuck in a jam? My little shounen~" Was I the only person who orgasmed? Two panels of Tyki can do this to me. I love him. I love him good.

The beautiful Portuguese man blasts the Arsehole Flask away from his shounen. With a sexy battle cry from Tyki, he grabs the Pissyrocket's head and slams it into the ground. And as for Tyki's yell, is it possible to be turned on by something you can't hear? Hmmmm...

Tyki smirks his beautiful, shivery smirk as almost all fangirls scream, "Aghhh! I must have him!", as he looks upon the dent the Tit Flask made on the floor.

Tyki, in all his cloaked glory, smiles at the Hermaphrodite Junkie, while his pupils disappear and a shadow man with really big ass teeth take his place. FUCKING WOW TYKI! YOU ALWAYS MANAGE TO FUCK UP AND BE CREEPY! THIS IS WHY YOU'RE NOT AS POPULAR AS OTHER CHARACTERS!

"AFTER 7,000 YEARS, I HAVE FOUND IT!" proclaimed Tyki as his eye turned into a circle, and any one else looking at his teeth? DAMN BOI, LOOK AT YO FANGS! Apparently, all Noahs have crazy ass sharp teeth. Go figure.

As Tyki quickly loses whatever sanity he has left, he develops a hunchback. No wait, it's Road-doll~~!  
She quickly pops back into human shape with the cutest face ever, kicking her legs, and being so cute under her Uncle's cloak, it nearly causes Tyki a conniption. Or he could just be annoyed that attention is away from him. That;s also highly possible.

"ALLEN! I NEED YOU, RIGHT NOW!" But then Road sees Allen is clearly sweating, and is probably having a heart attack. But she attacks him anyways, hugging him, and asking if he's okay. What a sweet little monster girlfriend. I'm rooting for you two. I mean, if the gay pairings don't happen.

As Road nuzzles Allen, and comforts him, he calms down. Tyki looks and is like, "How come I can's hug my shounen?" Well, Tyki, if Hoshino will let me buy DGM, it will yaoi galore and everyone can have him. Except that slut Lenabitch. But unfortunately, Hoshino won't pick up her phone and I'm reduced to writing this.

And the next statement added so much gayness. Poker pair fangirls rejoice. 'He didn't even call out to me..! He's really shaken up.' Aww, how sweet.

The nice moment didn't last long as the Shitter Weasel sticks his ass in the air like a gay porn star and everyone looks on, while Road looks protective and seductive at the same time. Too much time with Tyki can do that to you. I also like how low cut her dress is. Does Sheryl know she runs around like that? Yummy.

The Slag Bucket continues to move, however much I am against it, and talks about Noahs. Shut up, Jizz Hands, you want to rape them too. Tyki is clearly beautiful but you must look past his radiance to see Road giving Allen a lap dance. It took me ten minutes to look past Tyki though. And that is a personal best.

And it turns out the Fuck Lawyer is an Innocence protecting the Heart. His real name is Apocryphos. I still think a better name is Fucker Equal to Shou Tucker is a way better name. And now, we've figured out that Allen probably isn't the Heart. Man. And these are the things I noticed in this chapter. I thas fucked with my brain 3 times, and I'm screwed.


End file.
